Lindsey! You nailed it so hard in this piece. I could've written it myself (albeit not as eloquently). I especially feel it's relevant to creative mothers. Personally, I sacrificed all my creative time for my kids, which made me feel hollow and, dare I say, a little resentful for a while. But it was my choice, so who did I really resent? Myself.
Now that they're older, I'm reclaiming it day by day. I've missed a game. I've chosen to not attend a party. I've sent them home from school with a friend. Little by little, we take it back. And they don't even hate us for it. My kids are getting to see the side of me that was dormant for a long time, and they sort of love it.
Yes! Similar here. For some reason I’m comfortable not apologizing for sending crappy craft supplies and avoiding some of the (totally valid) school-based hand-wringing. For the longest time I was reluctant for people to even know about my creative ambitions, then I realized others become impatient when you skip the parties, the park dates, the same conversations you’ve already had a thousand times to stay home and revise (or, “keep changing it,” to quote a holiday barb stuck in my craw). Last year I did the scariest thing (for me) of all. I left the chats. It felt like taking a stand for bits of my attention. If I have a regret about it it’s that I didn’t do it a year sooner.
All to say, you’re right. In Michelle Zauner’s Crying in H-Mart she recalls her mother’s advice to “save 10% of yourself.” Yes, we should do this.
I also like what you said Lindsey about the lives not pursued. I really like Rick and Forrest Hanson’s Being Well podcast. Their recent episode on decision-making acknowledged that a sadness that goes along w making a decision might be closing that other path. This has certainly been true for me at times. It’s a really good episode: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0QkMar6O74JrRPTYG4QLle?si=eSS5iatoTGCZAPSmgzu2YQ
Maybe it is a generational difference (I am a 59 year old mother with a 10th grader and college student) but when I started raising kids there was no shame in being, as pediatrician, Donald Winnicott ,proclaimed: "a good enough mother". Grant it I did not grow up in the digital age, but literally grew up on an 80 acre farm "walking around ilde" looking at grasshoppers and catching fireflies. My parents would model the worth of idle time-though they worked hard, going for a Sunday walk down a dirt road pointing out a Sumac leaf vs. a Walnut leaf and collecting Black walnuts and marveling and at their pungent smell and observing that they have to turn from bright green to a mushy coal black that stung my skin to remove and the prize was still under another layer that needed to be cracked open. I think it is essential to a child's development to model not only the importance of idle time, but of being a good enough mother. They learn that they are part of a bigger circle of life that does not revolve around them. I share this not to shame anyone but to release any of you who wish to do so. I put a lot of time into mothering, and still do to this day, and it is one of the things on my mental to do list. Meeting others expectations is not.
I think of idle time as the middle, as you put it Lindsey, between totally distracted and totally checked-out. That is what attracted me to your writing, your tagline, "Holding tension between two extremes, celebrating middle places, campaigning for curiosity."
This makes me think of an essay: “Laugh Kookaburra “ by David Sedaris. A woman in the essay makes the analogy of burners on a stove equating to aspects of our life: I.e. one burner is work, one is family, and so on. Her claim is that we can only truly keep about two burners going successfully and we have to sacrifice the others.
I don’t know if I agree that we have to be quite so rigid but it does seem like there’s a constant balancing act of keeping some burners going while others “rest.”
I’ve never been great at prioritizing and your post makes me think I need to do some work on that.
Yes, I really liked what you write about not being able to do everything and seasons in life. Lately I've focused more on my writing because that's what I want to do. But it's meant I'm not waking up at 5am to go to the gym anymore, because I want to write instead. I've been struggling a bit with not being able to do it all, instead I've had to find other ways to still stay fit while also focusing on my main goal of writing. I guess it's just about knowing what is the priority right now and being ok with it 😊
This was a timely read as I, even tonight, had a flash of guilt about deciding NOT to get the family dressed and downtown for the church Christmas program. As I did also last night about NOT going to the Christmas parade. Plus thinking SHOULD I WANT to go see the Earle Street Santas? I’ve now given myself permission to say “no” to anyone else’s idea of what this season should be like/ should be filled with/ should expect. For deep down, I do crave those moments of slowness. It took us all afternoon to put up a few Christmas decorations and I said,” I’m okay with that” because I took a nap and I read a book and that’s what my body WANTED to do today. Thanks for sharing your thoughts as it’s refreshing to know some likeminded people out there.
I love your thoughts here. Protecting one's time and determining "what's important" are both evasive and ever-changing concepts. I'm constantly recalibrating those ideas in my personal and working life, but I will never allow others to decide them for me.
Lindsey! You nailed it so hard in this piece. I could've written it myself (albeit not as eloquently). I especially feel it's relevant to creative mothers. Personally, I sacrificed all my creative time for my kids, which made me feel hollow and, dare I say, a little resentful for a while. But it was my choice, so who did I really resent? Myself.
Now that they're older, I'm reclaiming it day by day. I've missed a game. I've chosen to not attend a party. I've sent them home from school with a friend. Little by little, we take it back. And they don't even hate us for it. My kids are getting to see the side of me that was dormant for a long time, and they sort of love it.
Yes! Similar here. For some reason I’m comfortable not apologizing for sending crappy craft supplies and avoiding some of the (totally valid) school-based hand-wringing. For the longest time I was reluctant for people to even know about my creative ambitions, then I realized others become impatient when you skip the parties, the park dates, the same conversations you’ve already had a thousand times to stay home and revise (or, “keep changing it,” to quote a holiday barb stuck in my craw). Last year I did the scariest thing (for me) of all. I left the chats. It felt like taking a stand for bits of my attention. If I have a regret about it it’s that I didn’t do it a year sooner.
All to say, you’re right. In Michelle Zauner’s Crying in H-Mart she recalls her mother’s advice to “save 10% of yourself.” Yes, we should do this.
I also like what you said Lindsey about the lives not pursued. I really like Rick and Forrest Hanson’s Being Well podcast. Their recent episode on decision-making acknowledged that a sadness that goes along w making a decision might be closing that other path. This has certainly been true for me at times. It’s a really good episode: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0QkMar6O74JrRPTYG4QLle?si=eSS5iatoTGCZAPSmgzu2YQ
A clarion call to do what I was made to do! I will make my list now. And Subscribe. If you can make time (I won't fault you, if not), read this essay I wrote about my parenting failures -- it will speak to you, make you laugh, and, I hope, encourage you. https://open.substack.com/pub/katesusong/p/perfect?r=2iyrll&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true
Maybe it is a generational difference (I am a 59 year old mother with a 10th grader and college student) but when I started raising kids there was no shame in being, as pediatrician, Donald Winnicott ,proclaimed: "a good enough mother". Grant it I did not grow up in the digital age, but literally grew up on an 80 acre farm "walking around ilde" looking at grasshoppers and catching fireflies. My parents would model the worth of idle time-though they worked hard, going for a Sunday walk down a dirt road pointing out a Sumac leaf vs. a Walnut leaf and collecting Black walnuts and marveling and at their pungent smell and observing that they have to turn from bright green to a mushy coal black that stung my skin to remove and the prize was still under another layer that needed to be cracked open. I think it is essential to a child's development to model not only the importance of idle time, but of being a good enough mother. They learn that they are part of a bigger circle of life that does not revolve around them. I share this not to shame anyone but to release any of you who wish to do so. I put a lot of time into mothering, and still do to this day, and it is one of the things on my mental to do list. Meeting others expectations is not.
Well said, Angela.
Whenever I hear someone say, “I’m doing this for my daughter/son,” I think, “how about we do it for ourselves? We count too!”
I think of idle time as the middle, as you put it Lindsey, between totally distracted and totally checked-out. That is what attracted me to your writing, your tagline, "Holding tension between two extremes, celebrating middle places, campaigning for curiosity."
This makes me think of an essay: “Laugh Kookaburra “ by David Sedaris. A woman in the essay makes the analogy of burners on a stove equating to aspects of our life: I.e. one burner is work, one is family, and so on. Her claim is that we can only truly keep about two burners going successfully and we have to sacrifice the others.
I don’t know if I agree that we have to be quite so rigid but it does seem like there’s a constant balancing act of keeping some burners going while others “rest.”
I’ve never been great at prioritizing and your post makes me think I need to do some work on that.
Such a good piece. Emotional labor, in particular, is something that I am practicing noticing. When am I expending it? Why? Thank you, Lindsey.
Yes, I really liked what you write about not being able to do everything and seasons in life. Lately I've focused more on my writing because that's what I want to do. But it's meant I'm not waking up at 5am to go to the gym anymore, because I want to write instead. I've been struggling a bit with not being able to do it all, instead I've had to find other ways to still stay fit while also focusing on my main goal of writing. I guess it's just about knowing what is the priority right now and being ok with it 😊
This was a timely read as I, even tonight, had a flash of guilt about deciding NOT to get the family dressed and downtown for the church Christmas program. As I did also last night about NOT going to the Christmas parade. Plus thinking SHOULD I WANT to go see the Earle Street Santas? I’ve now given myself permission to say “no” to anyone else’s idea of what this season should be like/ should be filled with/ should expect. For deep down, I do crave those moments of slowness. It took us all afternoon to put up a few Christmas decorations and I said,” I’m okay with that” because I took a nap and I read a book and that’s what my body WANTED to do today. Thanks for sharing your thoughts as it’s refreshing to know some likeminded people out there.
Marvellous piece. Thank you
I love your thoughts here. Protecting one's time and determining "what's important" are both evasive and ever-changing concepts. I'm constantly recalibrating those ideas in my personal and working life, but I will never allow others to decide them for me.
I am a stay at home dad and related to so much of this. I could comment on a lot of what you wrote…but instead will just say, thank you for sharing!
Love love love this! Thank you for sharing these thoughts with us. You wove together the poems, podcast, and quotes beautifully.
I love this, just what I needed. Thank you.
Love this❤️